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One hundred and twenty seven people were trampled to death at the Piano bar last Thursday. The horrific incident played out at around 11pm as a group of AUBG students were scared witless and bolted for the door. Piano Bar security guard recalls the terrible tragedy: “It happened really fast. One moment we were just hanging around and checking out this babe, the next moment there’s people storming the exit, screaming ’Ohmygod, ohmygod, ohmygod, run away, run for your life!’” Our cultural correspondent Bill Shakespeare was there to report on the karaoke party. According to him, students were frightened by a sudden performance thrown by some of the AUBG professors. It appears not all of the victims died from the stampede. Upon realizing that they would not be able to escape, some students stabbed themselves with broken glasses. A pile of dead bodies blocked the exit and trapped the rest of the students inside, as professors were preparing to sing. Despite the incident, the actual performance was not so bad. The opening piece was by Eastergard, Miree, Levine and Howard. When they stood up on stage, people braced themselves for mind-thrashing accounting problems and horrible essay questions. Instead the professors sang “Money, Money,” an all-time favorite hit by ABBA. At the end, despite the spreading fear and confusion, muffled applause could be heard as the quartet stepped off stage. To everybody’s surprise they were followed by returning Prof. Tambourkovski who began singing “I Fought The Law – The Law Won.” However, just before he finished he was handcuffed and carried away by two men in black. Not to be deterred, however, the faculty continued the performance. The next song, “El Mariachi,” was by someone who appeared to be Antonio Banderas. He sang with such passion and Latino spirit that the crowd, especially the ladies, started swooning. When Mr. Banderas stepped offstage, he was revealed to be none other than our beloved Prof. Pontes and, strangely, the audience’s enthusiasm faded away. The group’s final song was performed by every present member of faculty and staff. They sang about their very life’s mission and the mission of AUBG - “All about the Benjamins.” And just like they had appeared, the group disappeared offstage, leaving an open-mouthed crowd to stare into nothing with a mixed expression of terror and bewilderment. The university administration has already set up counseling sessions for the survivors. All of the victims will be awarded an AUBG summa cum laude diploma posthumously. All of the surviving students who witnessed the tragedy will receive a 4.0 GPA due to the mental and physical stress they endured. Verve would like to express its sincere condolences to the families of the victims and offer its support to the survivors.
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